For all that ranting about how this is MY blog and how I must speak my heart always and yet to feel utter dejection today and not want to blog about it, cause omg, what will people think if I write about sadness? (SS, you know now why I loved that post of yours about why you blog?)
I'm ashamed I stooped low enough to let my expression be influenced by others' perceptions of me. So to make amends to myself.
Its been a yuck day. Met good friend S after very long last evening and had a great time. But even meeting him this afternoon, even getting a new passport, even getting tons of work done and a very productive day in office, even coming home and cooking up a lovely meal for N and catching up with him after way too long did nothing to shake away the one constant of the day - that silken cloth of dejection, so light and sheer that no one else can sense it, yet heavy enough to stop the flow of fresh air to my heart and mind. That being said, I've smiled and laughed like a bloody hypocrite all through the day. Its scary, this ability to wear a mask at will. It doesn't feel like me. Then again, the cynicism and isolation don't either. Tough to tell if that thing called change is good or bad. Time will tell I guess.
Little black box, wait a while will, ya?