Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Shameful ..

For all that ranting about how this is MY blog and how I must speak my heart always and yet to feel utter dejection today and not want to blog about it, cause omg, what will people think if I write about sadness? (SS, you know now why I loved that post of yours about why you blog?)

I'm ashamed I stooped low enough to let my expression be influenced by others' perceptions of me. So to make amends to myself.

Its been a yuck day. Met good friend S after very long last evening and had a great time. But even meeting him this afternoon, even getting a new passport, even getting tons of work done and a very productive day in office, even coming home and cooking up a lovely meal for N and catching up with him after way too long did nothing to shake away the one constant of the day - that silken cloth of dejection, so light and sheer that no one else can sense it, yet heavy enough to stop the flow of fresh air to my heart and mind. That being said, I've smiled and laughed like a bloody hypocrite all through the day. Its scary, this ability to wear a mask at will. It doesn't feel like me. Then again, the cynicism and isolation don't either. Tough to tell if that thing called change is good or bad. Time will tell I guess.

Little black box, wait a while will, ya?

4 comments:

S said...

Oh,don't be so hard on yourself. I write anonymously ..all your friends read your blog.

It's not easy writing what you want all the time when you know the people who are gonna be reading ... why do you think I chose anonymity?

unpredictable said...

SS: Then maybe i should reserve my darkness for my other blog ... hope u doing better ...

chandni said...

it takes a lot of strength to admit that one is sad....its much easier to have a happy blog...

at least that's how I feel sometimes when I look at mine....when I am happy, its much easier to write...may be because I dont blog anonymously...

good stuff this..and no don't write it onyour "other" blog...if you've taken the step to keep the mask off at least online, why not see it through??

good luck!

unpredictable said...

Chandni: Thanks, I agree.
Thing is, the question to self is usually "how unduly worried will people get when they read", esp close friends. Do I want them to pick up the phone in panic and call? Answer is no. But yes, sometimes simply writing about it is enough. Sending it out in the open is like dissipating the sadness ... and lessening it somehow.
Yet, there's the kind of darkness that can be out in the open, and there's the other kind. Hopefully those r demons that'll stay on the 'other' blog :)
Thanks for dropping by !