Saturday, April 07, 2007

Who would you rather be?

Let me confess, weekends with nothing to do but sack around and laze off the week's flurry of work usualy result in me and S sitting to talk about everything from the most inane to the most relevant subjects of our time.

One of our favorites as 2 women living single lives in this house is obviously relationships. Mind you, thats relationships - NOT men! K came armed with ground breaking insights on men (which ill reserve for a later post after negotiating royalty terms with K) but S and I talk about relationships... and they always throw up these incredible questions which we usually take for granted, but are actually quite serious and can define one's happiness in life and in relationships.

So here's my list of popular questions .. with sneak peeks into my own answers ... Ive been trained well in writing with exit options so feel free to skip my answers, the questions are more important anyday!

But i'd love to hear from others, esp men (K biggest insight on men is they dont think, they dont like to think, it bothers them at a very basic level coz it takes effort, and so they keep themselves occupied playing sport, watching TV, working and sleeping but they DONT THINK about relationships).

Contrary to that, i've been spoilt rotten in my perceptions of men by the wonderful ones ive met in my own life, they've mostly been sensitive, patient and thoughtful people who love discussing anything under the sun. And since those are usually the ones who visit this blog it would be incredible to see if they've ever thought about these things ever!

Qn 1. Does it suffice that someone loves you or does it have to be for the right reasons?
AA1 (AA being Answer Attempt): Preferably for the right reasons. I'd be more comfortable knowing why someone says they love me and knowing that its a true perception of who I am, rather then them loving an illusion that i'm not. I'll be fair, its not always possible to know the "right reason", but broad principle is the love has to be rooted in someone you really are coz illusions are too temporary and can carry relationships only so far.


Context to Qn2: This one comes from the very factual interpretation that relationships will always have one person being more of the 'nurturer' and the other person being more of the 'recipient' of the nurturing. Scales of 'affection showered' will always be midly unbalanced and tilted heavier in favor of one party. (Oh get off ur high horses and quit telling me its cheap to think about relationships like that, everyone who gives something likes to get something in return, u can be unconditional most times, not ALL the time, so healthy balance is a desired end state like it or not!)

Qn 2. Would you rather be the one to love the other more? Or would you rather be the one loved more?
Do u want to be a Ms X who gets showered with tons and tons of attention and affection by her doting husband and basks in the sunshine that is his love? Or would you rather be a Ms Y i know who wouldn't want to be the recepient of so much adoration (coz it would make her feel too pursued and lose interest in the guy)! Do u wanna be a Mr Z who loves suprising his women and doing wonderful things for them and doesnt mind if they'd like to bask in it? Or would you rather be a Mr Q who is neither interested in giving nor receiving affection and regards all this as unnecessary waste of people's time and energy (and would probably like a woman who understands that)?


AA2: Id yearn for one where there's above average displays of affection from both ends (and yes thats different from PDA!!!) and really wouldn't mind being the one to do more of the showering affection, its just that im such a mom to most of my friends that i get spent taking care of others, and hence being taken care of at the end of the day and some good ol pampering (material or verbal) every once in a while while i continue to put in the sustaining tarps on affection is my idea of complete bliss :-)


Lemme clarify at the outset, we're not judging any of the above behaviours, heck, some of those could be us! Question is, do other people think about this before they walk into relationships? Or are me and Shals plain nuts indulging in what the thought abhorers would call 'intellectual overload'? And if we aren't quite nuts, then what are ur respective takes on this question?

And that's the primary questions i had for the day. Really looking fwd to reading ppls views on these, and yes ive called out to the men more specifically but i hope that doesnt stop the women of the world from responding!

13 comments:

srikant said...

Well I think the question you ask is a toughie. Cuz its a cognitive one (just love or right reasons question), and isnt love an emotional experience? So think in pursuit of trying to answer this question, I've found people and also myself getting into rationalisations and explanations what we think is our reason to be in love or why someone loves us.
As far as 'right reasons' go, I think thats a seperate part of any relationship, of getting to know the person, of waiting for the fog to clear, the honeymoon to end. what is to say that the person u love even for the right reasons, will not change few yrs down the line? then what... Love, no mooo (no more, spore style :) )

neways its early morning since i just woke up and if it were my gf asked me if i love her for the right erasons now, all hell would break lose. im very grumpy. but ur special, so posted my AA :)

unpredictable said...

Hmmm ... i think we rationalize wen we see things going wrong at an emotional level and being mba grads, we think we can solve this like anything else with hypo setting and analysis :)

Right reasons, yeah i buy ur pt abt ppl changing, but thats a fact of life, even with frnds, obv its assumed tht once uve reached a certain acceptance zone with someone, ull be fine to see and love the changes as well moving fwd...

:) i know im special. SO thanks for ur AA.

Anyway end of the day, my question is like a Moo point (Joey style!!! Cow's opinion - doesnt matter :D)

Shahana said...

Man! you actually got him writing first thing in the morning??? you ARE very special to have got anything more than a 'grrrrr' at that time!
About relationships, the question about loving for the right reason only arises as long as there is an exit option in the mind of the people in question.
Do we ever think about the reasons why we love family or close friends? can romantic relationships ever get to the point where reasons dont matter? can you just love without rationalising? is there such a thing as unconditional love (in a non parent domain)?
sorry sudh, instead of answering your questions, i have some more.. might have something to do with me being a woman :-)

unpredictable said...

sha!! yeah i agree abt the non grr answer .. im rather touched .. but after 4 yrs of knowing him, anything less wud get him kicked where the sun dont shine .. so this works jus fine :)

abt ur qns .. im with u entirely .. im not disillusioned and i dont think i can ever be .. so dont get me wrong, its not tht im questioning things so rationally out of cynicism, its just my healthy curiosity about dogs, kids and love alike tht makes me pop these unsavory qns .. :)

yes ur asking more qns is ALL to do with being a woman .. sorry i wish i was mature enuff/ experienced enuff to answer em :)

Nutan said...

Hey sudh, another nice blog....

Right reasons... yes, i surely think that liking for right reasons weighs high above simply liking (blindly?).... i think, its a gift if you are liked for right reasons, but then when u change as a person and other person can't find all those reason to like u, he/she stops liking u....this is the price u pay for being liked for right reason ....

questions.... there r always many re... half the time the ratio of number of question vs that of answers puts me off...:) but then at times like these a blog like this, can be reassuring...

keep going sudh....

kavita said...

lets set the time to have that royalty discussion since you have already published the gist of my hard-earned wisdom :)
i do agree with you that loving for the right reasons is way better than loving for no reason.. unfortunately love rarely gives you the time to decide on those reasons before it happens... coz those reasons would change depending on the person you love wouldnt they.. or the right reasons for you can change as your experiences change you...in my opinion its a gamble you have to play whether you like it or not.. take the best bet and hope that you win... and heres the bright side.. if you lose you get to gamble again!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

you started off pretty well with the post, but somewhere along you sort of lost the chain of thought and ended it abruptly!

Monsieur K said...

hmmm. i dont think men have ever or will ever give a serious thought to these Qs and many like these. :D

on a serious note, let me attempt to make some answers.

A1: love happens without any reason, but it sustains or grows or in some cases even withers away for the right reasons.
so if s'one tells you for the first time that he/she loves you simply coz of the way you are, you may not mind it - infact, you will appreciate it a lot. but as the relationship gets more mature, this doesnt suffice - then you seek reasons (is this in some sense what can be termed as "emotional materialism"?)

A2: it depends on who the other person is, wot the situation is, and wot's going on in my mind. :)

i asked a friend of mine, and he said in answer to Q1 that love without reason happens when you are in school/college. as you grow older & mature, love without reason is very hard to happen. and just like me, he was quite stumped with Q2 and had no sure answer for tht one. :)

does this help in demystifying the simple man's thought process? :D

unpredictable said...

nuts: Thanks ... yeah i know .. i wish i had more answers and less questions .. but aaarrggggghhh the mind always works this way .. anyway ... so long as we ask the right questions, we're human and we know the brain is alive and kicking :)

kavs: im obv not paying u in money for any of ur advice .. only tons of love :) yes i agree love hits u badly and blindingly .. but as u go along the journey, u learn more about urself and what ud like to ask for out of love .. that helps i think :)

ketan: :) i completely buy ur answer to qn 1 .. experience and age play their role in helping us define what we'd like out of love/ relationships... qn 2 is actually quite interesting coz it helps segment ppl .. someday wen i have the energy ill use a statistically significant base size of ppl and run the questions and really segment them accordingly :)

unpredictable said...

Anon: I dont usually reply to ppl who dont identify themselves, but i agree with u .. i started out with much more meat in my mind, but ive been a little incoherent for a few days and most of the best thoughts slipped thru the sieve that my mind has become .. it was pretty abrupt at the end ...

Ariel said...

Dropped by on a friends suggestion and looks like its Q &A time:). Well heres my take on it
A1- I d rather be jst lved for no reason. U see as an individual i m always evolving. So what if the reason some 1 loves me for no longer is a part of me. should I try and stiffle my personality to keep the relationship goin or should I make some 1 give up what he thinks is imp in a partner to make room for my change? So with no reason thers no pressure either ways, you dont have to accomodate and jst being with them is a good enuf reason

A2- Neither. You rather take on the roles as the situation demands. Every one has their own strengths and weaknesses believe me and being spoilt or being the one in control just defines ur territory in the relationship. A simple case of complementing each other

And jst in case u were wondering I belong to the fairer sex :)

Sharmili said...

completely in agreement with ariel...

AA1 - every person evolves with time... may be by will, may be circumstantial... in that case if you have some reasons to love this person and say those change, wud you love her less??? in fact the more defined the reasons are, the more time it is going to take to adjust to those... and at a point if u cant deal with these changes, the relnship goes down the drain...
Another aspect is chemistry... does it happen to u that u just feel that s/he is the one the minute u lay eyes on her... "love at first sight.." U dont get time to list down reasons here do u??? how practical this concept is, I dunno - but i do know 2 ppl in a relnship for this very reason and still going strong...

AA2 - Eternal debate aint it... But again as ariel points it out, the roles have to be interchangeable... if i am always the giver and sometime blue moods make me want to be on the receviing end, the tables shud turn... only then can a relnship function...

All of this only comes with time... so, only those who get pass thru these rocky times, will then reach a stage where u wud have the right answer to the qns u ask... and men/women are equally likely to bring them on table then...

Anonymous said...

Heres my take on the two thoughts you put down:
AA1:you need to have the right reasons for having a strong, lasting (not necessarily forever), meaningful relationship.We might not have the reasons when the reln starts (luv at first site), but somewhere down the line they need to come. We do not realise the importance of this during normal nd smooth times. But not having the rite reasons throws up such surprising reactions/behaviors from the individuals when faced with a not-so-normal situation, that is when we all start wondering what's rong. Shamu's "love at first site" couple probably found their rite reasons somewhere during the journey nd tht has helpd thm grow 2gthr. Caveat here; reasons cud change with time and experiences of both partners.

AA2: stupid question (questions like these make men lose interest in thinking and watch Chelsea vs Liverpool instead)!!! depends on individuals, their moods at any point of time, case to case answer...

Mihir