Wednesday, March 05, 2008

There's only space for one of us in here .. or is there?

And since i haven't spewed out the daily dose of entertainment to the usual suspects over chat or the phone, let me indulge for the evening. There's simply too much running through that little mind. Please to skip coz it's all contextual and all personal.

For the last 2 years I've dreaded coming home to an empty apartment. For that more than for rent savings, I always lived with someone. There's something about quietness that I never did do too good with. Uncannily enough it was the Penguin who pointed that out to me. There'd ALWAYS be something running in the background in my room. Music, a 22nd rerun of an old F.R.I.E.N.D.S. cd or ever since I've acquired cable, the TV. Always.

And suddenly for the last few months, each evening, as I put the keys into my apartment door slot, I find myself hoping it's empty when I enter.
(Don't get me wrong. My flatmate isn't bad at all. She and I live separate lives except for exchanging accounts and discussing what's run out and needs re-stocking. And we're super happy with it. With not having to make mandatory small talk early in the mornings, when we're both keen to just brew our own cups of tea and be out the door. And with not having to join each other's social circles or participate in the other's life. So it has nothing to do with her.)

I just want, emptiness in the literal sense of the term. I find it most evenings. And I sigh in relief.

And I find that so... so ungrateful .. given posts that various bloggers have written about how the emptiness engulfs you with its silence that some noise, any noise is welcome. And think to myself, since when did I turn into such a man?

I say man, cause I know most guy friends are this way. They hate having to come home to instant chatter. Even that of a loving girl friend. (LOL just as I wrote this, N's girl friend who lives upstairs, walked in!!) Esp in the evenings. But give them some time to be on their own, and you'll find them ready to do conversation. And I find that happening to me a lot these past few months. From 7 to 9 I'm quiet and pottering about the house ... and then suddenly there's blogging, chatting ... all of that.

With most current friendships and the only one relationship having been long distance, I'm now worried that I might be able to function around people, maybe even love them sufficiently, only when I'm away from them. Worrying thought that.

And if that's not bad enough, after having spent the last 2 evenings readying my saris for M's wedding and grappling with about 2 pairs of every accessory to choose from for every SINGLE sari, I wonder, what kind of schizophrenic lives inside me - the caveman acting snappy and needing "space" one moment and the woman putting together coordinated accessories the next.

To think I started out thinking I'd do a tag this evening. I think I've pushed the hand to its limits though. Ta for now and see you tomorrow! :-)


Anonymous said...

oru kumbudu for you from singara chennai.
today i devoured the peppy paneer pizza. wat a.
also self and sibling (henceforth known as lyricist) saw one biggu ad ya. ponnu in that is looking takkar figure like you.
thassal news ya. kbai!

GoldenSoul said...

hah! I think thats just part of being a (single) cancer. I, too, am like that. I absolutely LOVE my space and often wonder why would anyone want the headaches of a relationship (i.e. when the relationship is sour and only brings grief and unpleasant feelings and people stay for the familiarity and comfort) when they could have their lives all to themselves.
Don't get me wrong, I do care a lot for all my friends, but they too are a long distance relationship. I have faired well when I lived with them throughout college and it is a strong indication that I am capable of loving and caring and it isn't an act. However, I'd rather be alone (and love my space) than deal with someone I know I'm not gonna end up with. Such waste of time and energy, no? (I find peace in being alone- on my terms...even if it means its a night w/o friends and about 2-3 hours later, I'm ready to mingle- online.)

On the other hand, I can be the social butterfly among friends and I won't stop talking with my familiars. I have so many sides to me- I sometimes think it borderlines multiple identity disorder - but I do know a lotta cancer friends who are just the same. I say- Yay! for not being alone ;)

GoldenSoul said...

P.S. Welcome back!! I missed ya! =)

unpredictable said...

Anon: Hai ya. We're making elaborate plans on how to put off more belbs on you now that we have ascertained yuvar isstipidity. Hay! I'm in Bangkok yeggain! LOL!!! N00B!!!! Now ur the N00B!!!

Goldensoul: Is it? A cancerian thing? :) I've always been cancerian but never felt this way until recently .. so who knows :) Thanks for ur words :)

Fark said...

try seinfeld when watching tv alone. your perspective will change and you'll go on a lifelong quest looking for Kramer.