I just realized - 1

I'm exhausted. Really exhausted. My days have turned into an intangible + tangible nightmare. Tangibly, my shoulder (which takes very badly to stress, swells and becomes a literal pain in the back) hurts like mad and intangibly although I like what I do, I'm at most times possessed by this feeling of complete panic and uncertainty. And of inadequacy. Mostly inadequacy. And that's the worst for the kind of people who thrive on doing well at most things.

I just realized 1: People used to being good at most things have the urge to RUN when they encounter a situation that makes them feel like they're not doing their very best. They'd rather walk away themselves than mess it up any further or be asked to leave. Applies to work and relationships alike.

I want to run for the hills and not come back at all. I'm desperately waiting for December when the deadlines end and life begins. When I can come home ready to take on the evening - blog, run, read through scripts, listen to music, sing along, be an attentive listener over the phone with friends instead of hmming like an insensitive jerk and dozing off as they tell me about things important to them, cook and play host .. all of those things seem so distant with the 12 hour days and the sheer exhaustion in the evenings that leaves me with the will to do little more than flop into bed and fall asleep watching mindless TV ... YUCK! Who have I become!

Of course I won't. It's not that bad and I know its temporary. And that writing about it alleviates about 80% of the misery. Not the backache, but atleast the heartache of feeling like I suck at something!

*Falls asleep muttering "It'll pass .. it'll pass ..."*