Do you remember?

(Warning. Mush alert. Read at your own risk)

The first time you felt a tingle down your spine at something he said that made you see him, well, differently?

The first time you realized that conversation with this person felt so, so essential. Like air. Or water. How going without it for too long could induce actual physical pain?

When you'd smile so much through conversations with this person that your cheeks would hurt, and in masochistic fashion, you'd always be asking for more ...

When you could finally fit your feelings into one of many popular stereotypes, and lame as it sounded, it just felt, well ... RIGHT at that point in time?

The first person you confided in about your *story* .... and how much you loved hearing it yourself?

Getting to know his friends, the genesis of his stories, stories that occurred when you weren't around, stories that make him who he is ...

All the firsts? From saying the words to holding hands, from encountering his first real flaw to the first (def not the last) fight that you eventually got past?

Your first holiday together? Walking around holding hands, sitting by the beach, savoring the feeling of being free and attached to someone, all in one...

Feeling comforted by not having to pretend. Not feeling afraid to be yourself around someone. Not holding back from displaying the eccentricities that make you YOU.

The thrill of getting him his 1st birthday gift from you ... and knowing it was only the 1st of many to come....

Being able to talk about inane illogical mad things that existed only in the world you two shared. Having your own private language. And knowing no one else would have it...

Thinking back then that you didn't ever want to forget how the present felt ... wondering if there was some way to preserve the feeling, to freeze time so you'd never have to ask yourself if you remembered.

Like you are now :-)


Edited to add: Kindly to not mistake this for a personal post. By and large, every one of us who's been in love ever, has felt all of the above, regardless of where the relationship finally went. That's all I was trying to say. And although this sounds as though from a woman's point of view, men aren't incapable of feeling this. Really. :-)

Sometimes....

You're just thinking to yourself how you're bored of the music you listen to when out of the blue, on some random TV series you hear a song you LOVE and haven't heard in 2 years. And almost as if quenching extreme thirst you dive into your music collection and dig it out from somewhere on your computer, sitting back and going *SIGH* once familiar tunes begin to play .... Finding Luka Chuppi from RDB was like that. How come no website has the lyrics after the words run out and the Ni Sa Ni portion starts? I can't sing along without learning that. :(
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The simplest things bring the most happiness.
Rain.

Music.

Fresh herbs - mint, basil, coriander.

The internet - esp. when practically all of your closest friends live far away from you. Read - another country. (And no I don't mean Malaysia.)

And consequently Skype, Google talk et al.

The knowledge that *some* of them will not be as far sometime from now.

Finding the right gift for someone. (Uncrackable for me. No Penguin, yours doesn't come close)

The reassurance that *certain* inspiring people will stay in the organization for a long time.

Being able to say what you wanted to say exactly the way you wanted someone to hear it.

The smile on the face of a usually grumpy friend who reserves his smiles for occassions that you binge on unhealthy food and lessen his guilt at having done the same. You know who you are. :D

The stranger who smiled back at you on the bus.

The lady at the parlor who in the midst of plucking your eyebrows asks why you're smiling so much (making you smile even wider coz there's really no reason at all).

The colleague who enquires about why you look so cheered up while leaving work at 9 pm and all you can tell him is "I'm going to cook something cool today! :D" and see the flabbergasted look on his face.

How your kitchen smells after. Comforting and yummy.

Being able to sleep 10 hours straight. And feeling well rested thereafter.
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No matter how much you try to keep someone happy, no matter how you invest every ounce of energy into doing the things you thought would keep them from worrying, you realize, all too late that being worried is simply second nature to them.
That for once, it's not about you. It's about them.

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You have so much going on inside your head, that you want to put down 3 posts in one evening. Will you, or won't you?

A Wednesday...

A Wednesday is an amazing movie. Watch it. Please. For the sheer power of the performances. For how moved you will be by the monologue at the end. For how angry you will suddenly remember to be when you realize that you're practically a prisoner of your worst nightmares - the death of those you love. For a simple plot brilliantly executed.

Watch it. Do.

You know what's exhausting?

Combating stupidity. That's what.

Kill me before that kills me. Please.

UGH.

Surprise is what you feel when ...

One fine day your body gets tired of how much you've been ignoring its silent protests and decides to teach you a lesson through more tangible (hence painful) signals and as a result you cannot do anything BUT slow down.

As you walk down the road in a foreign country, you hear remarks that you thought could only be directed to a woman in your own country and had long relegated to non existent, given how pampered your current country of residence has made you. And you still find it in you to turn around and give your fiercest, nastiest glare to the assholes in question. (Doesn't help. Makes me feel better. EOM)

Your mind finds the ability to accommodate the wishes of another, contrary to your own notions of how stubborn you are/ were. Grace with giving in never comes easily to people who have had their way most of the time, but when it starts knocking at the door, politely asking to be let in.... that's something!

That place in your heart where bad things - rage, disappointment and even the intent to inflict pain - once resided, seems to have shrunk. In its place you find instead, the ability to forgive and forget. Wonderment indeed!

Sometimes, your mouth makes sense even before your mind does. And you realize that the same pattern exists between your fingers and your mind. And you always thought (!) you were a fast thinker. Sigh.

Age old insights are proven true. Again and again. And again. Like how giving feels awesomer than receiving. Like how doing good begets good things. Like how everything absolutely and completely happens for the very best. Like how if you give people the chance, they will show you the very best within them. And then some more.

Hi?

Haven't seen the face of this blog for a while now (come to think of it, haven't seen *that* one either. Or *that* one. Alas. But also hurrah! :D) Have been at work a LOT, socializing a BIT, and sometimes nursing a sore hand/ shoulder. Eyes have suddenly gone red from an allergy, and are now kohl-less and rendering the face pale and sickly looking. People who see me everyday ask if I've been crying. If all is ok.

Err. All is very good indeed! It's just a phase where time's passing me by and things are getting done at work and outside, but the time to sit and reflect has just not stopped by. Also my kohl-less eyes are not exactly a sight for sore eyes. (bwahaha!)

What's weird is, through a time that would've normally sucked the energy and happiness right out of me, I'm making jokes and laughing it all off. (bad jokes still qualify as jokes. Cause I say so. Ok?) When did I develop a sense of humor for torture, say?

In other brilliant news, a bird erstwhile thought to have flown the nest might be flying right back. Other important things and stuff are coming up. A very very good friend's wedding to attend. AND some ultra cool projects at work. Life will be wonderful again. Yay!!!

Oops!

It's been 4 days since any real cooking occurred in this house. The flatmate made this thing I hate over the weekend and I ate it for dinner last night, and the night before. That much lazy came. Imagine!

Today was to be decidedly better.

Something, anything had to be cooked. So pasta was made. With cilantro. And lots of garlic for flavor. Yummy!

Wine was poured. Into one of 2 special glasses picked up from ChinaTown SFO.

Lights set to a mellow yellow. (OK. They're always dimmed. There's 2 yellow lamps only anyway)

And music was put on. Light. Breezy. Sigh. Yeh... tumhaari meri baatein ...

Cool breeze floated in through the windows. Lavender scented oils emanated their fragrance into the cozy confines of this room.

It was indeed a sigh moment.

And then an sms arrives from a number unknown "Happy Ganpati! ..."etc etc.

One resounding OOPS sounds goes off inside head for having consumed garlic AND alcohol on the eve of a festival!

Post which the wine drinking and pasta eating resume, of course.

Indeed, I'm nothing if not shameless. (Amma would've hung her head in shame, alas.)

(Speaking of which, Amma calls at the very moment to tell me she's stuck in traffic near Chembur/ Sion. Have to confess that even in the course of our 1 hour long conv intended to distract her from the traffic outside her window, not once did I let it slip that errors of oceanic magnitude had occurred on this precious day. Why make her unhappy thus, I ask?)

I stand by the stmt on my last post ref this topic, btw. So long as I don't indulge in husband beating (not that there's one to beat up yet) or co human abuse post alcohol consumption, I'll continue to assume I'm still blessed. Garlic and wine intake be damned.

Happy Chathurti everyone! How did you celebrate? Tell tell!

How mistaken is ....

The notion of work life balance - which by its very definition implies work is separated from life and that there needs to be a balance between the two. Whereas you could actually love doing something so much that doing it gives you happiness that blurs the lines between work and life and all you see is one large activity system - namely life

The notion of being a good boss - which carries baggage such as expected perfection and knowing the answers to everything. When in reality it's easier to connect with and feel confident around someone who has as many questions as answers, and thereby is learning just like you are, and hence feels like he inhabits the same planet that you do. Someone who can make mistakes and sometimes go "Oh really? I didn't know that."

The notion of picture perfect relationships - where mutual respect and fondness need to be spoken in a language of mutual admiration and glossing over flaws. When in reality, nothing can come close to personifying security as 2 people who can make references to apparent flaws inherent in the other without flinching.

The notion of being a couple - where togetherness is taken so literally as to turn the best of individuals into one entity, very akin to siamese twins. When in reality, nothing is more admirable than 2 individuals who can share a life without having to do everything together; who can RSVP to spur of the moment drinks invitations without having to consult with the other, can pursue creative interests regardless of whether the other participates or partakes or not. Who can be as much at peace with the idea of *me* as with the idea of *us*.

The notion of faith - where how much you believe (and consequently how much you'll get blessed) is measured by how many trips you made to your designated place of worship or how many rituals you followed post a bath (on non menstruating days, no less). When in reality, being a good person (involving NOT killing someone who prays at a differently constructed structure, or thinking lowly of them) to those around and trying to up the *happy* quotient of the universe is likely to bring up your own *happy* quotient.

Rock on ..

We all appreciate good cinema, esp when it's a deviation from the norm. Esp so, if the deviation hasn't left the movie half unbearable (like say a Jodha Akbar). So when a movie that's more than half decent comes your way, you better go catch it.

Rock On, which admittedly comes tinted with shades of DCH, is about 4 guys and their love for making music. Somewhere along the way, the story makes space for 2 wives without reducing them to pretty caricatures and within an interesting format of skipping between the past and the present, keeps you fairly engaged for about 2.5 hours. Add to the mix some hummable music and a very real sounding screenplay that skips past melodrama and stays on the sane path, and you have a movie that's definitely worth your buck. And your time.

Personal favorites include Farhan Akhtar in his acting debut - love his sincerity, Prachi Desai of Kasam se fame as his wife - she's real and gets a chance to act without the camera zooming in and out of her face K serial style - and does a pretty good job of it too. Not to forget Purab Kohli as the Sameer from DCH sound-alike with his impeccable sense of comic timing.

Also am still stuck on Phir Dekhiye, find the lyrics and the song here on chandni's blog. I recommend it as she does. Also love Yeh Tumhaari Meri baatein.

A special mention of the scene where Prachi finally speaks her mind on how she's been left out of her husband's life for as long as she can remember. It struck a chord simply cause where we come from, I know it would be a socially acceptable way for a wife to *adjust* without ever complaining about it.

Likely to elicit questions like "you have the perfect life, what else do you want?", it's something many many women would just grow to be ok with, although in reality there's nothing quite normal about sharing a space with a husband when you're not involved in the stories that make up his life (and vice versa). Why else do we have flatmates if not to lead individual lives under the same roof? Don't need a husband for that no?

Although, to be fair, he does come around too soon post her outburst. A normal guy would've taken a while to confront his own demons, much less admit them to his wife asap. Just saying!

And here's a tribute to a friend. We all have our phases. Of being whiny, gwumpy and FredFlintstony. We still are one big happy family. Really! :D

Good night ya all ...and Yabba Dabba Doo!