Friday, May 16, 2008

Why? it that I miss being passionate about the things I was passionate about 3 years ago? Have I really run out of 'fire' as they put it? Or have I just channeled it into other things? If I have, and if it was a choice, why do I crave it all over again? it that I assume that the same behaviors can have different outcomes? It never worked, it never will. Why don't I learn from my mistakes then? Ever? I always have so frigging much to say? I was labeled too talkative sometime ago in rather specific terms and it stuck with me. I don't usually care for labels like that, but when the doc tells me my headaches can be attributed to a swollen jaw, it occurs to me that this might be God's way of telling me to finally SHUT the hell up. I put all my proverbial eggs in the same few baskets over and over again? Really, how difficult is it to know that it's a bad bet in the long term? But then what about 80:20? How do I reconcile 2 contradictory theories I admire equally? I love stories that involve serial killers, multiple personality disorders and/ or dinosaurs? And why then am I amazed at the "weirdness quotient" of my dreams?

(Last night it was a man being mauled to death by a grizzly bear, while he communicates telepathically with his infant child that lies lost in another part of the same forest. While trying to navigate his way through the forest toward his child AND fighting the bear, he finally gets killed (head ripped off by the animal, no less) and his soul floats up into the sky, soon after joined by the soul of his child).

Seriously, my mum will FREAK if she hears this. So will many others. WHY then do I stay up until 1 am and watch shows on Discovery about 'most evil people' and 'crimes that shook the world'? Serves me right only! I suddenly scared this play thing that goes on stage in 2 weeks might see last minute goof ups? Everything's been so good so far, and suddenly we all seem to be slipping, slacking, forgetting cues, missing lines... overall
not doing our best when we can least afford it. So many people at work and otherwise are excited about this production and coming to see it. This is going to be top of mind in my prayers in the next 2 weeks. Please can I request that you pray for it too? Thanks! I up at 1 am thinking and writing negative thoughts and words?

I'm going to slap myself, say NO to this night time negativity, speak to someone who makes me happy and sleep with a smile on my face ok?

-Passion can and will be summoned upon when needed. I don't have to wait for it to come to me.

-Mistakes are the only way to get better no? Yes. So I'll stop berating myself for making my share.

-The day I have no one to listen to me, I'll stop talking. Not just yet. I still know people who like to listen. If *you* don't, go (take a) hike. Ta! Bye!

-Eggs and baskets my (size 10) foot! I'll just have to trust my instinct on the goodness of where I put my eggs, even if it's only in 20% of the baskets I know. (Gah, that could be read SO wrongly!)

-Serial killers, MPD and dinosaurs aren't the worst things one could be fascinated with. So long as I don't kill, switch between personas or try to manufacture dinos like that idiot John Hammond (Ref: Mr. Crichton's book), I think I'm fine.

-The play will turn out fabulous. Just like the team that's working on it. Nothing less is deserved. Nothing less will be settled for.

- Coz I just got home from play practice at 12.45 and felt like writing. And negativity is OK sometimes. 'Sugar and spice' includes spice, doesn't it?

No more bad dreams.

No more bad anything.

Good night to you all too. SMILE! :-)


Prasad said...

From my experience nervous energy really enhances a play. I remember how we'd mess up, with increasing intensity, in each of our rehearsals, but were somehow charged up yet rather relaxed during the actual performance. Having a fabulous audience helped. Am sure your play will turn out great!

Reason and worldly wisdom often temper passion down. Kahlil Gibran tells us:

Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.

If either your sails or our rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas.

For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining; and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion; that it may sing;

And let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.


unpredictable said...

:) That's pretty profound, what he says... there was this guy who once wrote for the Bbay times (circa 1997) who always quoted Gibran...Cyrus something ... I actually enjoyed reading him ... Thanks Prasad! :)

Prasad said...

Pro'ly Cyrus Merchant, if I remember the name right. He used to write Tuesdays I think.